I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
it hurts more in the daytime
she looked like the before picture.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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