i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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