She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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