I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I deserve this hangover.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
