Have you finally orgasmed yet?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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