I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
