my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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