theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
