It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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