I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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