I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
