Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
How external is "for external use only"?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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