You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
