he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
