I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
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i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
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Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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