Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
