I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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