how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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