i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Randomize
