my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
