The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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