i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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