p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
