i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
