His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
