I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
