i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
