I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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