You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
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