the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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