I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
