New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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