there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
