it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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