I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
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