this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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