I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
