So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
