sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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