You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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