Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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