there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
