Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Operation Purity has been aborted
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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