just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
