You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.