Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
