yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
