I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
