i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
