so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
