I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Randomize
