how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
