good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
