I think im going to throw up on grandma
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
