I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
