woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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