you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
did you just send me my own nude
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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