So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
