I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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